Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
where are you?
Hypothermia
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
