just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
