I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
