...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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