God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
