I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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