Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
