new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
