I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I wish life had little blips of pornography
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
splinters make it hard to masturbate
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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