if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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