I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
