my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
