Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
