If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
