I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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