90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
