dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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