If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
