I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
