I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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