My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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