he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Randomize
