my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
