Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
