You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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