Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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