is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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