I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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