ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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