i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
