i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
