is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
