Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
whose parrot is this?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
