Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
