my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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