I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize