Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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