tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Come see our sink grown plant.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
