Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Randomize
