The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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