i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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