I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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