Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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