why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize