i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just invented taco cereal.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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