did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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