I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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