Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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