Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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