I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize