Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
