Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
This toilet bowl is my home.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
