I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
That accounts for only three of the penises
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
