a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
