I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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