For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize