So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize