I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
