Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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