Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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